Sunday, December 13, 2009

My Favorite Holiday Poem

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Christmas Playlist

Some of my must-have songs for this season::

  • Baby, It's Cold Outside - Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone
  • A Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney
  • Mele Kalikimaka - Bing Crosby
  • Feliz Navidad - Jose Feliciano
  • Last Christmas - Wham
  • I'll Be Home for Christmas - Michael Buble
  • Sleigh Ride - Ella Fitzgerald
  • Santa Baby - Marilyn Monroe
  • My Only Wish - Britney Spears
  • White Christmas - Katy Perry
  • All I Want for Christmas - Mariah Carey
  • Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - Johnny Marks
  • The Christmas Song - Michale Buble

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Tis the Season to be Thankful

The things I'm thankful for this year:

- I'm thankful for my family. They give me the strength and support when I need it the most and they are always there to back up my decisions. I, in return, will always be there for them no matter what they need or when they need me.

- I'm additionally thankful for my second family. They have taught me what it means to stick together through thick and thin and how to party! Haha. They have such a sense of togetherness and I have always been included in all of their family events, making me feel as if I really am part of their family.

- I am infinitely thankful for my boyfriend. He sacrifices so much, only to make me happy. He has always been my #1 fan and I could never thank him enough for how he has helped me achieve the things that I want. I am so lucky to have someone like him by my side.

- I am thankful for my friends - old and new. Old familiar friendships have helped me realize that some things really are worth fighting for and new friendships have shown me that I will always do my best to make someone happy. I will never take a friendship for granted, no matter how close we are.

- I am thankful for my god-daughter Soleil. Even though she is far away, her smile warms my heart. She is a brilliant young child and the promise for a bright future makes me proud.

- I am thankful for my job. It has it's challenges, but being here has helped me realize what I want to do with my life. I am thankful for every interaction I have with patients and every chance to make someones day a little bit better.

- I am thankful for all the silly material things in my life. Not because they are material, but because without them I would not have a roof over my head, a mode of transportation, food in my house, clothes to wear, or books for my education.

- I am thankful for the inspiration, creativity, drive, and determination that will continue to propel me forward. Without these, I would be lost and destined for failure.

- I am thankful for my life. There will be ups and downs, but the good times will ALWAYS outweigh the bad.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Define: Hypocrite

Hypocrite [hip-uh-krit]
- noun

Sitting on a throne of ignorance, you jeer me for what I choose to do. But when I'm not looking, you emulate me in hopes of exceeding my success. In your mind, empty justifications are made so you are right for what you do. While you are not bound by the rules, I am and have created a major offense. I am wrong for my act while you are doing something different and creative. You waste your existence complaining to anyone who will listen about what a fool I am for the things I do, all the while you are doing just the same.

You think you're better than everyone. But you're not; you're worse actually. You're a hypocrite.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Deep Breath.

Deep breath. Breathe deep. That's what I keep telling myself as I stare blankly at my reflection in the dirty mirror. I look at myself and I can't recognize my face. It looks as if I've been paralyzed and my face is completely numb to anything. My eyesight is blurred and tears continue to run down my face like a faucet that was never turned off. Then I realize that my mascara is running. Again. That's the third time today. "'Waterproof' my ass," I say out loud. My voice resonates through the empty tiled bathroom and I remember where I am. A tremor inside me sends shock waves through my body and my legs go numb. I almost fall, but at the last moment, I catch myself on the sink in front of me. My hands grip the porcelain sink so tightly that my knuckles begin to turn white. Beneath me, my legs tremble; I can barely stand up. Holding up all of my weight on my left arm, I lift my right hand in a weak attempt to fix my makeup.

Haphazardly smudging my makeup back into place, I sigh; "What's the use? It will just run again in a few minutes." So I give up on trying to look presentable, and instead I focus on my face in the mirror. I linger for a long moment, looking at the reflection of a sad mess of a girl in front of me. "Get it together," I think. Taking in a large gulp of oxygen, I contemplate holding my breath til I pass out. I give a good effort, holding my breath for at least two minutes, hoping that my heart will stop dead in its tracks. I hold it til my lungs burn with the craving for fresh air; I can't hold it much longer. I give up, feeling more defeated that ever, and let the air escape from my lungs. With that failed effort, I decide to go back in the room with everyone else. Time to face the crowd.

Walking back into the room, nothing has changed. Everyone is still wearing black. My sister is still in the corner crying. The plates of nasty food are still left untouched. I guess nobody has the stomach for food right now; neither do I. There is a silent, invisible weight being held over everyone present - the weight that death always puts on loved ones. The feeling of sadness and despair loom thick in the air, like fog, clouding the emotions of everyone here.

Although there are family members, loved ones, and lots of friends here with me, I stand alone. I am alone. I have never felt so alone in my life. I hate being alone. My mother, who was my true best friend is gone. I can't comprehend how or why I am still standing here. I want to vanish. As I lurch through the living room, hallway, and kitchen aimlessly staring off into space, I pass by many faces I recognize but none seem to register in my blank mind. Faintly in the background I can hear someone say, "Is she okay?," and then comes the response from another, "Her mother just died. I don't think she's gona be okay for a while." I give a slight smile as I think to myself that I will be okay. Eventually.

With nowhere else to go, I abruptly walk up the familiar stairs of the family house into my old room. Everything is in the exact same place that I left it eight years ago. All of my dolls are positioned just as I remember them, sitting on top of my perfectly made bed. The same Strawberry Shortcake sheets are on the bed - those were my favorites, even as a teenager. My vanity remains untouched in the windowsill with makeup and magazines from my youth. Oh, the windowsill. How many nights did I sneak out onto the rooftop and just stare at the stars while dreaming of my future? The sun catches my eye as it glistens off of something on the top of the sill. I pick up the old trinket and remember what it is - a necklace that mom gave to me for Christmas one year. My fingers roll over the cool smoothness of the silver, and in a quick motion it is around my neck. I nervously play with the charm around my neck as I continue to explore my old belongings.

I crane my head to look out over the windowsill and see the beautiful garden that I helped her plant years ago. I wipe old crusted tears out of the corners of my eyes to make way for fresh new ones to roll down my face. As I begin hysterically crying, I think about all of the wonderful memories we shared in the garden: planting her favorite flowers, tulips; begging her to plant mine right next to hers; finally being able to plant my lilies; all the time that was spent making that garden beautiful, and the life lessons that she was teaching me while spending time together. I think I can feel my heart breaking, if it hasn't already done so.

I quickly look over my shoulder to make sure nobody has followed me, and I open the window and the screen to the rooftop. When I place my feet on the level side of the roof where I spent so many youthful nights, I take a look around and then I lay down. My eyes close and the warmth from the sun heats me and for the first time since she died, I felt comforted. I lay there for a long while letting the sun caress my skin with its warmth. At the moment, there is nothing more blissful than this. I think about heaven and if it really exists; if it does, I'm sure shes up there. I look directly at the sun and with temporary blindness I see her face. I miss her. I gradually sit up, brush off old leaves that had collected on my sweater and then stand. I know what I must do. Without a second thought, I confidently step close to the edge of the roof.

I look down. Deep breath. Breathe deep.

And jump.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Simple Pleasures of Life - According to Me

clothes fresh out of the dryer - the feeling that I get when I put on clothes still warm from the dryer makes me want to melt, even if it only lasts for a few seconds.

a hug - Never underestimate the power of a hug. It can cure my anger, sadness, loneliness or any other bad feelings I may have.

lightning bugs - Just seeing them outside at night makes me so happy because it signifies summertime and it always takes me back to a younger time when I was a child trying to catch them.

a smile when you least expect it - when I'm in line at the bank, it's very rare to see the teller smiling back at you, and when it does happen, it makes me so happy. I think to myself, "If they still have enough energy to smile at me, then so should I." I always think of smiling at the next person I see and passing on the good vibes.

seeing the physical effects of the changing seasons - I enjoy seeing the leaves change color in autumn, the first snowflakes fall in the winter, the flower buds poking through the ground in spring and the sun setting later every night in the summer.

outdoor chats - sitting outside talking with friends and/or family is so relaxing. Loosing track of time, several conversations at once, maybe a few beers, and just the overall ambiance of being together always makes me feel warm inside.

bonfires - I love everything about bonfires. Ghost stories, 'smores, getting lost in my mind while staring at the glowing embers, and the heat that warms my body when I get close. I even love the smell of it on me the next day.

saying "Goodnight" and hearing someone say it back to you - Makes me feel safe and secure as I drift off to sleep.

love letters - Any kind. Once I read them, I get that tingly feeling all over and I'm floating on clouds for the rest of the day.

sand between my toes - Something about the granules of sand passing through the spaces between my toes just feels so incredibly right.

finding unexpected cash - Putting on that jacket I haven't worn since last winter and finding a $5 bill makes my day. Can't really buy much with $5 bucks, but just feeling richer makes me smile.

discounts at the register - I was wavering on purchasing a dress due to the price; I didn't think I could afford it. After a long mental debate, I decided to get it because it looked amazing on me, and I told myself that I wouldn't spend another dime till I got my next paycheck. At the check out counter, I cringed as the saleslady scannded the barcode and quickly looked at the screen to see what the damage was. Relief washed over me when I saw that it was discounted to a managable price. One of the best feelings in the world.

making loved ones laugh - I feel like I have achieved something amazing if I can make my boyfriend crack a smile, and I get such great satisfaction out of telling a joke that really makes him laugh.

having nowhere to go on a rainy day - I love being stuck inside on rainy days. I can feel guilt-free about staying in pajamas, posting up on the couch, eating junk food, and watching movies all day long. Sometimes I'll sit on the balcony and just listen to the rain.

a long, hot shower - Can raise my spirits no matter how down I am. There must be something theraputic about the steam from the hot water that washes away all my problems.

comfortable silence - Knowing that I don't have to say something to fill the void makes being around you so much easier. Sometimes theres really nothing to say; the silence says it all.

getting a letter in the mail - Before texting, before inbox, even before instant messaging, there was mail. It just feels good to see a hand-written letter amongst all the bills, magazines, and junk mail that clutter up that little box nowadays.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Bucket List

- take a ride in a hot air balloon
- skydive
- catch a cloud
- drive to the edge of the horizon
- learn to ballroom dance
- climb a mountain
- learn Japanese
- travel to Italy, Japan, and Dominican Republic
- practice Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
- go to California
- get a college degree
- see a shooting star
- own a home
- grow old together <3
- become a member of a charitable cause
- go on a cruise
- read my favorite childrens stories to my kids
- run a marathon
- become a Redskins Cheerleader
- ice skate for a synchro team again
- scuba dive
- bear it all on a nude beach
- go fishing
- learn to ski and snowboard
- spend New Year's Eve in Times Square
- become published in some shape or form
- learn to surf
- attend the Super Bowl
- learn to fly a plane
- visit a Vegas strip club
- shoot a gun